


Tacenda

by TheStarsHaveAligned



Category: Messiah Project - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Rain, Things left unsaid, fic for a prompt, heavy thoughts, i can't believe you talked me into this, silences that speak louder than words, the last of everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 12:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4665978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheStarsHaveAligned/pseuds/TheStarsHaveAligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say silences speak louder than words. <br/>The noise of the city, splashing puddles and hurried steps, crowded around them, but at that moment nothing of that mattered. Because this silence was a scream drowning away any other noise around them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tacenda

**Author's Note:**

  * For [endgame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/endgame/gifts).



> tacenda (from Latin): things better left unsaid

The sound of rain falling against the uralite roof mixed with the sounds of impatient feet running around and whispered curses, as Eiri's eyes expectantly and with certain urge, looked at the grey sky above them. It had been a sudden downpour, and neither had an umbrella to cover their heads with, so they decided to wait until it stopped, though Eiri was gradually and exponentially losing his already short patience.  
  
For Haku though, the most bothersome thing was not the rain but the drastic temperature change it had brought, the sudden humidity soaking muscles and drenched clothes, and the small involuntary shivers it caused on the body in almost synch with the exhales. Haku's eyes travelled to the small puffs of body heat, condensed air escaping out of Eiri's mouth, his lips unusually red even with the cold, before realising it was happening the same to him and concluding this was definitely cooling their temperature close to a cold induced state. If they did not dry as soon as possible they'll be bed sick for days. And bedridden Eiri was not good.  
  
Or was it. Unless he had fever-  
  
A sudden jolt, like an aborted sneeze or an awkward shiver caught Haku's attention again, and this time his eyes travelled away from Eiri's face towards his chest, the former's arms around himself and his hands rubbing up and down his forearms in an attempt to warm himself, before considering if his drenched jacket would do any good and serve any purpose in heating Eiri. At that moment he felt EIri's eyes staring at him, and his eyes met the ones of his now even more small messiah, shrinking his body because of the cold, his hair dripping -a drop almost falling down from his bangs to his nose- and his teeth almost clacking if it wasn't because he was using them to bite his lower lip. For a moment Haku saw a drenched and angry cat and tried not to smirk even though it was quite a tempting and amusing sight.  
  
He failed, and Eiri sighed exhasperatedly before, in an almost moaning curse, started to enumerate all the disadvantages improvising had. For example this. Though if it wasn't because they were wet to the bones, this small escapade to spend the day near the riverbed would not have been that bad, Haku thought.  
  
It was not everyday they got permission or a free day to spend how they wished -in fact, it was already rare and clearly suspicious in the advent of what was coming in near future, but even with all the uncertainty and mistrust the Church's decissions could provoke, you don't say no to an opportunity like this -who knows how many more you'd have, if any. The real uncertainty was if you'd be alive the next day. The next moment. When everything could be so easily taken away from you, you stop living in the long future, and make the most of your life in the near one.   
  
"Oi Haku!"  
  
Lost in musings, he looked at Eiri again, and this almost rolled his eyes.  
  
"If we catch a cold it will be entirely your fault."  
  
At this point Eiri was stompting his foot on the ground, patience inversely proportional to the time they spent like this. Although it was cute to watch -and it stirred a caring feeling on Haku to see Eiri like this, a sudden urge to hug him growing on him even though Eiri would probably squirm and yell at him before accepting the fact this way they were warmer, he decided maybe distracting him would work.  
  
"Have you tasted the rain?"  
  
Time ago, when he was a child -just he, alone, on a memory that was now neither happy nor unhappy, nor tied to anyone nor to a certain time- Haku remembered playing under the rain on hot summer days, sneakers soaked from jumping in puddles and t-shirt sticking to his warm skin, finally cooling with the cold drops running down his nape from his dripping hair. And he remembered the game of catching a drop of rain with his tongue, and enjoying the refreshing flavorless liquid as the rest of drops wetted his face.   
  
Some memories are not flashing or special on the surface, but when there are less happy events than unhappy ones humans cling to anything that provoked a feeling of fulfillment, temporary, swallow. To any reminder of a time they could freely enjoy without a care. To any small memory that could keep them sane.  
  
Haku found his question though answered with a pair of disbelieving and almost narrowed eyes.  
  
"Are you serious?"  
  
"Well I thought, now that we are here, at least let's make the most of it."  
  
"How can 'tasting the rain' be in any event _making the most of it_?"  
  
"Distracting."  
  
Distracting like the drops of rain running down Eiri's jaw and neck and following the lines of his collarbones before disappearing inside his t-shirt.   
  
"I can't believe you talked me into this."  
  
There was no real anger in Eiri's voice, but perhaps frustration and a pang of resignation at the prospect of their one and only free day until the moment spent sheltered under an uralite roof, awaiting for the rain to stop. And a sudden melancholy at how much they could really make of this and enjoy it. Because every moment is precious when is limited, when you don't get the chance to repeat it ever again. That was why Haku had suddenly taken Eiri away from the Church as they were informed of some free hours before their graduating mission tomorrow. That's why he had not planned, and just ran with what they were wearing and nothing else, towards the further place away from the Church. Because being alone in their room was something Haku knew he'd dearly miss, but the sight of Eiri in the sunlight, without the sakura coat was something he wanted to be burnt behind his eyelids.  
  
If everything was to end tomorrow, this would be his last act as a normal person. Without chains. Without past. Just the two of them, without a burden. As if he could run away from his guilt. From _him_.  
  
"It's because this will be our last mission."  
  
Haku's voice did not seemingly change, but the pattern and tempo of his words were in stark contrast with their meaning. Eiri did not move, as if weighting, suddenly feeling the weight of words, heavy like a premonition on his shoulders. Heavy like reality, attempting to crush him. Heavy like the unavoidable fate of a sakura agent -either die now or survive to die another day.  
  
And yet, Eiri's thoughts breathlessly ran in another direction. There was something he dreaded more, something darker, something heavier than the thought of finishing this mission, something worse than the end of this partnership and room sharing with Haku, and of the only life of _peace_ they had known in so long.  
  
There was the possibility, very real and very probable, that he would not finish this mission. There was the possibility, plausible and almost tangible, that if he did nothing to prevent it, he'd follow the same fate of Haku's previous messiahs.  
  
He knew.   
  
Serizawa's crazed eyes were like the kiss of death.  
  
He was going to kill Eiri if he did nothing to stop him first. But Haku would not allow it.  
  
He had never been grabbed like this, the strenght that only misery and desperation can pump into muscles was now a dark bruise in his forearm that reminded him of how Haku stopped him the day before. Serizawa was before them, delivering Eiri's death sentence, but Haku would not let him shot.  
  
Haku would not chose between his brother and Eiri, but he had already. And that would be the death of him; by omission, Haku had signed too Eiri's death.  
  
For days that dragged like a curse, the choice of telling Haku about his older brother had haunted Eiri. And now. He had not cared if he died before, surviving all this time was just a matter of timing, his _luck_ -his jinx- extinguishing sooner or later, finally reuniting him with his family. But now he did not want to die; he wanted to live. For Haku. For Haku, who could not chose -who would not admit he had already chosen; for Haku who could not see that his choice would kill Eiri, and that no matter how much he tried to avoid this confrontation it was unavoidable.   
  
Haku who would not choose between his brother and Eiri.  
  
And Eiri who had to choose between losing Haku or being killed.  
  
The worst thing was that there was no choice. He'd lose Haku no matter what he did, no matter what he chose. So he'd rather choose losing Haku to his own hands, that to his sadistic brother.  
  
 _"If you don't want to live, then don't."_  
  
Kamikita's words stabbed him like pins in the back of his head.   
  
He would lose Haku, so he would not _lose_ him. But could he do it? Could he betray his messiah- could he lie to the only person whom he trusted and who had trusted him? Could he save Haku from his past -could he do it without breaking him in the process?  
  
Their eyes met, Haku's words still lingering in the air like warm breath, but disappearing just as quick.  
  
They say silences speak louder than words.   
  
The noise of the city, splashing puddles and hurried steps, crowded around them, but at that moment nothing of that mattered. Because this silence was a scream drowning away any other noise around them.  
  
No. Eiri knew he could not do this without collateral victims. He may not be able to avoid damage, but he may be able to achieve their purpose, and prevent permament harm. Bruises healed, after all.  
  
"Hey Haku. Let's make memories then."  
  
Memories to hold onto, memories you'd want to root out from your brain some days, remove from your life with iron claws and burn away. Memories to help you, memories to haunt you.  
  
Memories of this time, before anything happended, even when everything was already gestating.  
  
Memories of when they were happy, fleetingly and somewhat bitterly. Because this happiness was a lie, they'd make memories while they could smile.  
  
Maybe not under the sunlight. But together.  
  
The change was not subtle, and Eiri knew Haku realised. This would be their last day out, the last outing before their last mission. The last of everything. The last one.  
  
And because they realised they knew they'd rather be blind. Because when you close your eyes you chose the reality you live, they stepped outside, in the rain. And ran. Ran as fast as their legs allowed them to, the rain crashing against them, hearts pumping and breathing ragged; they ran leaving the city sounds behind, everything that could remind them of civilization, of humanity and their daily life, until they reached their destination and stopped to catch their breaths.   
  
The smell of wet earth and grass under their feet, and the sound of the rain against their skulls, bodies almost fusing with water.   
  
Eiri let out a scream, loud, daring, against the space extending in from of them, and they stood like this, the rain a light shower, and the grey sky barely filtering the light of the sun.  
  
There would be no rainbow today, there would be no special sunset light, nor did they need it. One next to the other, so close touching didn't matter anymore. They were there, alive, and aware of each other. Breathings slowing and small burst of laughter as they pressed their hands to their knees for support. Confirming each other's existence, too close to giving in. Too close.   
  
And slowly, slowly as if savoring every second, they stood and stretched towards the riverbed. Haku looking at Eiri, and Eiri not looking at Haku. Not until he had lied.  
  
"Rain tastes awful Haku."  
  
 _'You have nothing to worry. Nothing will happen.'_  
  
 _He is going to kill me._  
  
"Next time I choose."  
  
 _'Trust me.'_  
  
 _Be it then. I will die._

**Author's Note:**

> fic for the prompt jelle gave me on tumblr, “I can’t believe you talked me into this.”


End file.
